Isolation

This is the first time in my life where I've felt completely friendless. In the sense that I don't have anybody I could pick up the phone to call and chat with. Well, minus the time I've spent travelling that is. Suppose I do but I'm just not too willing to spend the money on long distance calls. Oh ease up babe. Sheesh.

I don't know, man.

It's almost as if I'm trying to not get attached to anybody anymore. Not friends, not boys. I am close to my family though.

Cry Therapy

Sometime through Cognitive Behavioural Class last year, we came across this thing about worrying. A case study brought us to meet Kate who was always worrying. So then fine let's take on a different approach. If you're going to worry anyways, set aside time a day for your worrying. For 5 minutes or 10 depending on what you need, worry! Just let it all flood your mind, don't hold back. In this aspect, it is also a bit Gestalt. In that just do what comes naturally, do not block whatever needs to be released. What needs to happen here?

So today I cried.

For a good 20 minutes I did nothing but sat down and cried. Until there were no tears left. This is over a boy of course, and the loneliness that I've felt since we no longer talked or communicate in any fashion. What needed to happen was for me to express my inner emotions. And it was sadness and loneliness.

I feel a little better now, tired. But a little bit of the stress has been lifted. Just a little but that's awesome. Now I can go on with the rest of my day.

In Tuesdays with Morrie, there was a chapter about feeling sorry for yourself. It said that each morning, Morrie allowed tears to come for a few minutes. Then he gets on with his day. Get all the crying out of your system. Everyone experiences sadness, and loneliness. So what, right? We all have our own battles.

This is mine for this moment in time. I shall go with the flow and ride along. The universe will conspire to help me.

Wreckage

I'm an emotional wreck most nights. Is falling in love worth all this emotional wreckage? Even if I convince myself that it isn't, what can one do about it...I feel so powerless.

If you think that you're in love, is there an amount of time required for you to fall out of love or can it happen with the snap of your fingers? It should be illegal for us to proclaim love if we're just going to fall out of it in a second.

Perhaps love is just a cruel, cruel game.

Victimization of My Life

Things are only as important as you want them to be?

Well, said.

For the past little while, like 2 years, my life has been half lived because of boys. No not half lived exactly coz I've done everything I wanted. Move to a new city, do more travelling than I every thought I'd do...

But always at the bottom of my heart I was longing for a boy. Nah, I shall no longer blame. It was all as much me as them, you know? I chose to be the victim here too.

Maybe, just maybe for the next little while I shall give it a rest. It is understandable in the most basic of senses that my biological clock is ticking. That it is natural for me to be wanting a man in my life. Doh, and the older I get apparently it gets worse.

So then mabe it would be a good idea to give it a rest.

Just for me to get my bearings down. Just for a little breather, time to really just appreciate being on my own. To actually embrace it instead of putting on a whole circus show. Time to be me for the sake of being me.

Love Makes a Fool of Us

This songs takes me back instantly to, believe it or not, happier times. They were not happy but happier because at least there was still hope back then. Don't get me wrong there is still hope now but almost time for me to face reality. How is it that normally sane people would do such insane things in the name of love? How is it that these feelings could be so intense? How is it that a strong person could become so weak in the presence of love? I am beaten.

There is no energy left in me to live life. Nothing interests me except for travelling. And even that is a means of escaping the meaninglessness of it all. Travelling offers a rush that aliviates the pain for awhile. And because of that I've been off pursuing that rush like a woman gone mad. I will continue to do so for as long as there is this void in me. It is true you know, every woman that I've met on the road travelling alone has a story to tell. More often than not it involves disappointment of the heart. This doesn't exclude me.

When the first love of my life ended, I took it hard and went travelling. Now this one, is it love? Or should I say, was it love? I don't know. Think so. I loved him and I love him still. I love the person that I know him to be. We have only met a couple of times more than a year ago. When between then and now that I fell in love? When was it that love came into this whole equation?

What is love?

This question is often asked and already in my blogs, many times. It continues to delude me. Love is when I cannot imagine living without the other in my life. Love is when I can trust the other with everything I have, with everything in me. Love is trusting the other enough to totally surrender yourself. I want to. And I was ready to give him all of myself. Maybe it was only an illusion in my head. Sadness is in my heart and my soul. It continues to fill every part of my waking day.

Fighting the Box

After having decided to once again blog actively, I was looking around to find interesting bloggers to connect with. There are so many blogs out there that I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on picking a few.

Fine, what about advertising on a blog roll and have people find me.

Stumped on the first question. Well, after title and URL that is.

What is your blog about.

How the hell would I know. There is no saying what tomorrow will bring. There is no saying what will peak my interest in a couple of minutes.

I resent having to put things in categories. Are things not just a matter of how you look at them?

This is not a travel blog but it will contain stories from my travels.

This is not a journal kinda blog but it will contain my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things.

This is not a political blog. Period.

This is not a photoblog but it will have photos in it.

So then, what is this blog about? And why is there a need to limit the possibilities.

A cry of desperation

You don't know me but consider this a cry of desperation I'm sending out into the universe. So this is what alienation feels like. I feel seperated from the world. I am here in body and mind even but my heart & soul is far away.

Tears are in me but they are held captive behind a wall inpenetrable by anyone, not even myself. How is it that a person destined for such greatness can be such a failure. I had and still have everything I need to make it and yet, I am nothing.

Failure in all that is life. Don't have a career, don't have love. Incapable of finding love and loving. Isn't it sad that the life of someone so young should amount to nothing? People have moved on, why haven't I? Why have I not grown from the person I was years ago? If anything I have become even more insecure, even more unsure of the world.

I am here but I am not alive.